Monday 12 April 2010

Edward's just a paranoid, over-protective sparkle man

Just think about it. People are all saying "oh, Edward, I love him. I want a vampire boyfriend!"
Let's state why.
1. They're gorgeous.
2. They've been around for a while, so they'd know a thing or two.
3. They're gorgeous.
4. They're gorgeous.
Okay, so really, there's only two reasons. Think about what Edward is really like, minus the strength, hot body and sunlight-activated fairy sparkles. He's a... paranoid, over-protective not-so-sparkly man. He breaks Bella's car so she can't visit her friends, he makes her choose between him and her best friend, he refuses to change her so he can marvel this cute, vulnerable little girl-b*tch he's collected and deny her his body until she crumbles into a quivering pool of madness which he can stroke and tend for until it dies.
The only way that Steph Meyer can get away with this and still make Edward seem all fantastical, is by making Bella this dozy-eyed, mouth-breathing waste of space whose life revolves entirely around this FICTIONAL character.
Well, I hope that Crazy Edward and Sleepy Bella have a happy time in make-believe-shiny-world, while their presence in the books that their maker wrote will live on and plague the minds of the Noughties generation's girls. They want commitment from their beautiful, fake boyfriends and they are so strong that they will defend them from everything bad, from disease, to red-headed baddies and the Credit Crunch.
But the thing that makes me laugh is that in folklore is that original vampires 4000 years ago were female! Crazy undead women that come down to Earth, eat your babies, and have sex with your men! And now we find them sexy. Strange.

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